I am lost without you but you deserve better. But even though I’ve kept my distance, my senses are overwhelmed by you. Everywhere I turn I can see your face, smell your cologne and taste your skin. You’re like a drug and I am addicted; I can’t get enough. There are periods when I think I am over it, over you, but then it all comes unraveled and I end up wanting you more – a lot more. You are everything I want, and nothing I deserve.
Your kind eyes and unforgettable smile are all I see. When I close my eyes, you’re in my dreams walking through all my nightmares and creating almost a serene and happy heaven. I forget all my worries and responsibilities because all I feel is calm. Even though you’re just a thought in my head, I feel at ease and comforted just knowing you’re there. When I’m in the real world I feel like I see you around every corner, across the road getting into a cab, just walking out the door after grabbing a mid-morning latte, or even at the security desk when I leave the building for the day. I feel like everywhere I go you’re all I see, when in actuality it’s just another person with a familiar trait.
It’s been weeks but I swear your cologne lingers on me. I can be sitting at my desk working late – the only one in the office – and I’ll pick up your scent. The distinct undertone of cedar wood mixed with the smell of the ocean and outdoors is unmistakable. Even though I should know better, I look up every time to see if you are there even though I know you’re not. I miss your smell. It’s weird but your smell was as comforting as a hug. Just knowing you were close made me feel safe and protected. The world is a crazy place and knowing you were right there made it better.
Your laugh has to be one of the biggest things I miss about not being around you. The way your blue eyes crinkled upwards when you let out a whole-hearted, deep-in-the-belly laugh was undeniably the most infectious things about you. I swear, no matter what situation you ended up in, the end result was of everybody laughing and having a good time. You could turn a tense situation into a relaxed and calm environment. Your personality shined through and everybody who was around you couldn’t help but be charged by your positive energy. I would give anything to hear you laugh one more time. My heart breaks just thinking about not hearing it ever again. Day-after-day I remember less what your voice sounds like and it scares me. I sometimes will let out an unexpected breath of air when I realize that I’ll never hear your voice saying my name or whispering sweet nothings in my ear.
Lastly, I miss you. Your bed-head hairstyles; sex was usually the cause, but even when it wasn’t it still looked good. Your mismatched socks; even when I matched proper ones, you’d still grab two different ones to prove a point. Your sense of direction; even when we were absolutely lost, you’d always find your way back. Your keen sense of knowing what was wrong; I never had to say anything and you’d be right there by my side. It hurts me to know you’ll never hug me and tell me everything will be okay.
My insides are caving in. I look calm and composed on the outside because I know you did your duty to protect and serve, but that’s just a façade. I am literally falling apart by the seams. You were my everything. You were my world. YOU were the reason why I got up and put a bounce in my step and a smile on my face. YOU are the reason I lived and now you’re gone. Gone from my sight, gone from my life.
I hope where ever you are, that you’re happy. I hope you’re surrounded by peace and that you feel content that you did your job and you did it well. My only chance at surviving is knowing that someday we will meet again.
I love you.