Invisible

Sometimes I find myself crawling through the mud, barely able to inch my way forward,
Struggling for breath.
But today, I feel invincible.
My superpower?
Invisibility.
I’ll walk with my head held high, chest puffed forward, and eyes straight ahead.
I’ll pretend my insecurities are invisible in my mind – even if they’re shouting for attention.
Unsettling thoughts are trying to rip their way through my self-esteem,
but I won’t let them.
Today is my day to shine.

Advertisements

Love Trumps Hate: A Poem

I look at the world around me,
And wonder what it has become.
People are fighting, children are crying,
And a general unease has begun.

Hate seems to be a predominate word,
And all forms love looks to have disappeared.
We’ve all taken a step back from the progress we’ve made,
And gone way back in time.

Our ancestors would be shaking with anger,
And wondering what they could have done.
It’s hard not to be scared for humanity,
And what it has become.

There’s no way of knowing if we will survive,
And that’s a scary thought to most.
What we all need to remember, is love TRUMPS hate,
And that we all need to stick together in this hellish time and place.

Our world is OUR world,
And nobody should be denied.
We are all HUMAN in the end,
And it doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside.

 

 

The Warden

A howling wind surrounded the antiquated Victorian style house that sat atop Cherry Hill, overlooking the tiny hamlet below. From the bottom, the abandoned house looked as if it were an ominous presence staring at those who dared to step outside of the safe confines of their home. It stood silent in the night as dark storm clouds tore through the sky like a riptide in the once calm ocean. Thunder and lightning clashed as the wind whipped and whirled around the house. The wind and rain gravitated towards the house as if it was their master beckoning to them. The house seemed to be alive and created an eerie feeling to anyone who dared to look.

The house used to belong to one of the meanest wardens of the state penitentiary down the road. He ruled with an iron fist and had no tolerance for anybody disobeying him. Anybody who ended up having to serve time for their wrongdoings always prayed for their souls if they were placed at Hawthorn Penitentiary. It was as if they thought it was an automatic death sentence – not that they were wrong.

He was one of the oddest looking men you would ever meet, and the least expected warden on the planet. Tall and gangly, he always wore an ill-fitted suit, and mismatched tie. Physically he had an oddly shaped head and a hook nose. He wore wire-rimmed glasses that covered piercing blue eyes that he always managed to look over when speaking to you. And while he was frail looking and awkward, he still managed to create an uneasy presence whenever he walked into the room.

He did not tolerate disobedience of any form. If you were a prisoner and did not abide by his rules, you were severely punished – no exceptions. It was said that he liked to take misbehaving prisoners into a separate and deliberately secluded area of the prison to “talk”. Everybody knew it was so they wouldn’t be heard, but nobody really knew what he did with the prisoners in there.  What they did know was the prisoners never returned.

Rumours penetrated the walls of the prison and into the surrounding towns. They began to fear what they didn’t know, and it only got worse as the stories became tall tales. Some stories say the warden implanted a chip in his prisoner’s brains, trying to erase all erratic behaviour. But because the product was untested and virtually illegal, most “patients” ended up going insane. Others believed he was a mystical creature, forcing himself to change to his true form and revealing himself to the prisoners. But because this magic was so unbelievably gruesome, they reverted inside themselves, too scared to face the true horrors that were before them.

Statistics showed Hawthorn as having the highest number of unusual and/or unexplained deaths in the country. Prisoners would go missing, or be taken away due to mysterious illnesses. Guards would stop showing up to work, only to be found they checked themselves into an asylum the night before. No visitors dared step foot into the joint either, all fearing the consequences of coming across the Warden.

Until one day the Warden didn’t show up for work. In fact, nobody heard from him in an entire week so they stupidly began looking for him. The most logical place was the house he called home – the Victorian on Cherry Hill. What the search crew found though wasn’t what they expected. The Warden’s body was emaciated like you couldn’t imagine. It was as if the life had literally been sucked right out of him. Thin cuts covered what was left of his body, and the sockets of his eyes were hollow. He didn’t even look human.

The rumours spread once again. Some believed he was murdered by some prisoners who managed to escape the confines of hell, while others believed he left his celestial body to haunt over the town for the rest of time. The house was never lived in again after that. It remained empty and haunting, overlooking the troubled town. You would think the townspeople would try and destroy it, start over with something new. But strange things happened every time they tried to step foot on the grounds that once belonged to the Warden.

Goodbye 2016, Hello 2017

new-year

I don’t know about you but 2016 was pretty much a gong show when it came to stuff happening all around the world – but let’s be honest, it’s nothing new. As we start a new year, and another year older, I decided I would look back on the good things that happened to me this year instead of focusing on the bad (like the soon-to-be inaugurated president, Donald Trump, numerous natural disasters, and multiple terrorist related attacks – just to name a few).

I realize this list isn’t overly long, and may be rather mundane to those who lead extraordinary lives, but it was pretty great to me. Why you ask? Read below:

  1. I guess the first thing that happened to me in 2016 had to be when I reached a milestone year in my life. No longer am I considered a “young” adult, turning 30 wasn’t as scary as I thought it would be. In the end it was just jumping another year ahead and kicking off another era in my life. I know 30 may not seem like such a huge accomplishment, but if you think about it – even a 100 years ago, reaching 30 was a big deal.
  2. I started a new position at work. Going back to high school and university, I never planned on not getting a job in the career I spent so much time, money and effort into achieving.  And while I never intended for my life to turn out this way, I am literally seeing what it takes to build something from the ground up. I have somewhat of a game plan now and I’m hoping that I’ll be able to make that plan happen! That being said, I’m still nurturing my passion of writing by keeping up with this blog and writing for online magazines in my spare time.
  3. I kicked off my 30th year of life by following through on a trip that I’ve been dreaming about for as long as I can remember. Travelling to Ireland (and England) has forever changed me. Spending the first half of my trip with my mom, it was something both she and I will never forget. And getting to visit a close friend and her fiance in England was so much fun. I can’t explain the feeling, but all I know is that I was being called home to a place I never stepped foot in until this year. It’s been 8 months and I still can’t help but think about it every day and wonder when I will be back – and I WILL be back sooner rather than later.
  4. I came to the realization that being “friends” with fake people isn’t worth it in the end. A stupid “quiz” post on facebook gave me my untold story the other day and they quoted me as “sacrificing myself to make others happy”. And while I know it’s  fictional in essence, in reality it’s actually quite true. I am always focused on being on everybody’s good side that I tend not to notice the way they treat me. I know I have a big heart, and I love to make friends and it upsets me when I find out that others are nice to my face but think and say differently behind my back. I still have a long way to go in fully accepting this, but I’ve come to realize that it’s not worth the drama.
  5. I became closer with the few friends that I know are truly loyal to me and accept me fully for who I am – faults and all. I know I may not have all that many, but the ones I do have, I love with all my heart. They may be near or far but they’re always close to me at heart. I’ll admit that I’m a horrible person at keeping in touch with. I may be a social media guru but when it comes to text messages and phone calls, I’m never usually the one to pick up the phone first, but will always answer it on the first ring (if I hear it – haha). 2017 is definitely time to focus on keeping those connections. And to those reading this, you guys know who you are (I hope!).
  6. Lastly – and I believe this to be the most significant (other than Ireland) thing that happened this year – is the generosity of my co-workers, family and friends. If you read my previous post you’ll know that they came together and helped to raise a significant amount of money to help me purchase much needed hearing aids. I always see the generosity of others so I know it’s out there, but I never expected it to be directed towards myself. I know that hearing aids will make my quality of life so much better, it’s not life-altering or life threatening. So when they came to surprise me, I was moved to tears. You sometimes forget who has your back, and how much you are actually loved until something like this hits you in the face. I’ll be forever grateful for their love and support, and I can’t wait to start the process to get these new aids!

As I said before, this may not seem all that thrilling or exciting to you, but it’s something to me. As I get older, I think I’m beginning to understand people when they say “it’s not about the things, it’s about the experiences”. Things come and go, but the experiences are what tell you you’ve had an interesting and fulfilling life.

Here’s to 2017 being full of experiences, opportunities and hope for a brighter future. I know I sound like a futuristic ad, but in reality, hope is what gets us through those tough times. I can’t wait to see what 2017 will bring and I look forward to sharing them with  all of you!

Thank You From the Bottom of My Heart

15590272_10211658545676035_5952655503714315710_n

How does one express gratitude of something so monumental it’s hard to put into words? It’s been a few hours now and I’m still at a loss and unsure of how to express how thankful I am for everything that has just happened. I sincerely have some of the best friends and family a girl could ask for and I’m not entirely sure how I’ll ever be able to pay them back for their love and support. And after having a rather horrible week last week, I can honestly say this made up for everything.

 

I’m never one to expect anything. I’m always the one giving with the full intention of making people happy and seeing them smile. Never did I think the tables would be turned and definitely didn’t expect something like this would ever happen to me. We all know 2016 has been a rough year for everyone in the world and in my mind, my need for new hearing aids seemed minimal at best. There were just more important things going on that needed attention. I’m just a girl who – who may gripe here and there about not being able to afford them – was okay with what she had because others had a lot less.

Tonight I was not only surprised by my IPC family and friends with a cheque to help fund the purchase of new (desperately needed) hearing aids, I was also given the opportunity to work with Starkey Hearing Solutions to get the best products I need in order to be able to live life as normally possible. I will be able to finally have hearing aids again that will allow me to fully engage in conversations without turning my head, asking people to repeat themselves, or hearing something completely different than what they just said. And I honestly believe these new products will help boost my confidence, which has always been something I’ve struggled with ever since I was a kid and I first had to wear them.

So I say this: to all the people who donated, THANK YOU. Seriously, from the bottom of my heart. I cannot tell you how much this means to me. As I sit here and type this with tears in my eyes, my heart is overflowing. Sometimes you forget how many people actually have your back until moments like this arise. I work with some of the best people on the planet and I am forever thankful for your love and kindness. And to my friends who have always accepted me for who I am and looked past what I considered to be my disability and took me as I am.

But I have to say a special thanks to Alison Collins for organizing this and making it happen. You truly are the best and I appreciate everything you did from setting up the plan to the execution.

“Gratitude can turn common days into Thanksgiving, turn routine jobs into joy, and change ordinary opportunities into Blessings” – William Arthur Ward

 

(p.s. as if this couldn’t get any better, I found out today I passed my CIFC exam on the first try! 2016 is going to end on a sweet note!)

Here/There

Do you see me, standing over here?

Do you even notice what I’m wearing, or that I curled my hair?

I tried extra hard to make myself stand out, because I knew you were going to be there.

Who am I kidding though, I don’t have a chance. Not with that tall leggy blonde hanging onto you at every chance.

I bet you don’t know this, but I actually care. I’m not interested in your social prowess or your perfectly coiffed hair.

We used to be close once upon a time. I was your best friend, and you were mine.

I stupidly decided to tell you I liked you a little more, and instead of responding you walked out that door.

Did you even care? Did we even have a chance? Or was the love I felt just a case of happenstance?

I still love you now, as I loved you then. I just wish we could go back to what we had back when.

Back when we were in love and the world fell away. Back when we just cared about the two of us and nothing got in the way.

I hope you know I see you, standing over there. Don’t think I didn’t notice you put on a nice dress and that you curled your hair.

You look beautiful tonight, and I so badly want for it to just be the two of us here.

I bet you notice the blond hanging off of my arms. Don’t worry darling, I won’t be leaving with her alone.

I can tell you’re worried, that you’ve lost all hope. But I can also tell you right now, she’s nothing but a joke.

She’s a cover-up, she’s there to disguise. She’s just a stand in for the woman I desire.

I’m not over our friendship, our love, and our lives. I miss our laughs, our serious talks and good times.

You were more than just a friend; I was yours, and you were mine.

I wish I could tell you, just how much I miss your sweet face. I wish you could feel the love I struggle to express.

I’m downright unhappy and an outright mess.

Just a Guy

“He’s just a guy. Just a guy,” I mumble, more to myself, but of course everyone around me can hear what I’m thinking.

I’m sitting alone at a table kind of people watching, but really staring down the door every time the bell rings and light spills through the open door and another stranger walks in. But it’s not you. I sit alone at this “well loved” bar across this big ass city, waiting to meet you. You are the stranger I’ve never met before. You are the stranger I gave personal details to even though we haven’t truly connected on a level that can only be achieved with being face-to-face.

And as much as I’m worried you were secretly cat-fishing me the entire length of our virtual conversation, I’m more worried about myself. Me. What if you walked in the door, took one look at me and decided that it wasn’t worth it? I wasn’t worth it? What if I’m not skinny enough, or pretty enough to be able to be seen with you in public? What if you decided that I looked better in pictures instead of in person and you chose to walk away?

All the what-ifs in the world are going through my mind as I sit there adjusting my dress and draping my sweater over my shoulders just in case there was too much cleavage and to comfort my nerves. I look up to the ceiling and take a deep breath, anxiously hoping that when I open my eyes you will be standing there. You’ll be standing there waiting for me to open my eyes, all judgements cast aside and a willingness to just get to know me. ME.

If you were to get to know me, really know me you’d find a girl with a big heart, a creatively crazy mind and a willingness to help when she’s needed. I’m the girl who’s awkward at new situations, anxious to please anyone she comes across and scared nobody will like her. Self-conscious should be my middle name, I blush at compliments before brushing them off and I don’t notice when guys notice.

Call me damaged, I don’t care. Call me whatever you want. Just say –

“Hello,” he said.

I look up, and it’s you.

Forever and Always

He stared down at me with kind and thoughtful eyes. They were eyes that could see right through me, and eyes that have seen their fair share of struggle and heartache. An infinite shade of green with flecks of gold, they spoke to me without using any words. Those eyes understood me in ways nobody else ever could. And while I was thrilled at the prospect of someone knowing me that intimately, I was scared out of my fucking mind.

He gently runs his hand across my forehead, pushing a stray piece of hair that had fallen across my face. He continued to watch me, his eyes brimming with unasked questions. Questions I knew that would be hard to say, but needed to be said. I am his mystery to be solved, his puzzle to finish. No matter what I said or did though, his patience was endless. As he continued to caress my face, I could see all judgements flying out the window. He saw me, the real me in the most rawest forms.

How did I, the ever so plain Jane that I was, get so damn lucky in life? How did he stop his crazy world and have time to look at me? Would he get bored? Would he find someone new? I couldn’t help but feel like this was going to end just as quick as it began.

“What are you thinking about?” he asked me, the questions finally starting to surface.

“What makes you think I’m thinking about anything,” I said back, a little too quickly. He was making me nervous in ways I wasn’t used to. It was as if he could see into my mind and knew that I was full of doubt.

“Well, you do this thing where your eyebrows furrow together when you’re thinking too hard about something. I know when you’re over-analyzing every little thing and I know when you’re thinking way too much.”

“Oh really,” I shot back, this time purposely furrowing my brow in his direction, making my face look older and angry. Now that was furrowing my brow. He just laughed softly, pinching my cheek as if I were some cutesy child.

Instead of responding to me, he kept looking at me, silent. His passive demeanour would probably scare most people into thinking he didn’t care, but I knew differently. He cared too much, in my opinion. Instead of jumping in feet first, he tumbled head over heels into murky waters. If I was a regular girl and he was a regular guy, this relationship, or whatever you would call it, wouldn’t be normal. One or both of us would realize that it’s going way too fast and way too quickly that it would soon send us spiraling out of control.

He took a breath and paused as if he were about to say what was on his mind, but instead closed his mouth and looked away. Now it was my turn to wonder what exactly was on his mind. He was definitely a person of little words, but he was also one to speak his mind when necessary.

“What are you thinking about?” I asked cautiously. The look in his overwhelmingly beautiful eyes went from being full of curiosity to being full of doubt.

“Well,” he said in his soft and usually assuring voice, “I’m worried.”

“Hey, that’s usually my job,” I joked, half kidding.

But in that moment, it was then I realized why I was worrying so much. It wasn’t because I was so unsure of what was going on between us, it was because I didn’t want to lose what we had. I’ve always been cautious when it came to my heart, but right in this moment, I knew it was his.

“Where do you see this going?” He gestured between him and me, “This? Us?”

“What? Why are you asking such a question?”

“There’s no doubt there’s fire between us; earth shattering, World Series feelings between us. But…Sometimes I think…”

“Sometimes you think what? That we’re crazy? That everyone around is right and we’re falling too hard, too fast? Because if that’s the case, I do think we’re crazy.”

“So you don’t believe this will last,” he said, visibly deflating right in front of me. It was as if all the hope he just had for us being together just vanished into thin air. My heart was breaking, but I continued on.

“I didn’t say that.”

“But –”

“No. Let me finish,” I said, pressing my index finger gently on his lips – the ones I wish I could be devouring right this moment. I wanted to kiss away the frown planted on his perfect face and assure him everything was going to be alright, because everything was going to be alright.

“I think –,” I said, pausing once again to purposely burrow my brow gently into the side of his face. “That as crazy as it seems, I believe you and I are the real deal. We’re in the fifth game of the World Series, the bases are loaded and a grand slam hit is about to reach the edge of the stadium. You and I? We’re in this together. That’s what I think.”

The space between us disappeared as he inched his face close to mine. Nose to nose those beautiful green eyes were now back to being full of hope and ideas for the future – our future. His face broke out into a smile so big and so bright it was almost blinding in the best of ways.

“So you mean –”

“You’re stuck with me forever and always, baby.”

Words were lost as he closed the distance between our lips. Soft and warm, he slowly pushed me back, laying me down gently. Crawling over top of me, his hands began to roam and his lips began the exploration of my body. My soul was exposed and available for him to take completely.

“Forever and always,” he whispered.

WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: